1.1.10 The Shadow & The Lost Infant
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
In this chapter, we explore the critical process of psychological integration that every alchemist must undertake. The Shadow represents those aspects of ourselves we have rejected or denied, while the lost infant symbolises our original, unconditioned nature. Through accepting and reintegrating these elements, the alchemist begins the essential work of gathering together the fragmented aspects of consciousness. This process, though potentially challenging, is fundamental to the Great Work and marks a crucial stage in the Nigredo phase of transformation.
The alchemist must gather in all the parts of their experience that have become fragmented and lost through normal psychological processes. This is painful unless one knows what one is doing, which is almost never.
With doubt eroding the concept of personality, the alchemist questions their motivations and drives. These learned folk had knowledge and access to poisons and intoxicants and invariably would have explored altered states of consciousness. It is likely they therefore suffer addiction and with this a fragmentation of identity.
This broken being continues to be driven for a truth, a model of experience that, in making sense, unifies the deep mental disquiet that these individuals suffer. Mental illness is likely common, as the hyper-critical mind relentlessly analyses every motive and intent.
Thankfully, a reasonable understanding about projection and the Shadow can really help clear things up. For those new to this, I recommend you deepen your understanding as this is important.
It all comes back to duality. Remember, this is the idea that you cannot know what up is without defining down. For there to be rich, there must be poor.
The most intimate duality is that between subjective experience and the perspective of me, and that of objective reality other.
Our sense of self is created during childhood and adolescence, and we tend to attach labels to it. We might think we are smart, in certain ways, or kind, or generous. Unfortunately, we have a filter that tends to remember examples that support our beliefs and dismiss those that don’t.
We may be accurate in our self-assessment, yet, if bias is going to happen it will, and it is far easier to convince ourselves we have certain qualities due to this filter of remembering examples that support it whilst dismissing (forgetting) those that challenge it.
This means as we attach more qualities to our sense of being, if they are erroneous, which often they are, at least in part, we must forget all experience that challenges this.
If we are relatively happy and fortunate, we might have a loving family that accepts our occasional digressions, even when we later deny them. However, in positions of power, misbehaviour that is later denied is often tolerated.
The alchemist’s priority is the truth, even if this is painful. Recognising that all attributes—good or bad—are simply labels, often with a diverse range of personal meaning, the alchemist rejects the deeply ingrained habit of self-definition, seeing all labels as ultimately empty.
The Shadow
The Shadow is a concept of an alter-ego that can form and seem to explain paradoxical behaviour in the mentally unwell. Basically, if one clings to self-definition, there is a habit of rejecting opposite qualities. An individual might have a strong desire to be known as generous, and then get angry when the times they were driven by greed are highlighted. The need to be associated with one pole of a duality prohibits the contemplation of the very real possibilities that one also displayed other, opposite behaviours.
If one becomes particularly fixed on goodness one might, through this mechanism only relish in a few examples when one behaved well, and literally dismiss any prior example that contradicts this. Consciousness is an aggregate — this means what we think of as a single awareness, is more analogous to a cloud of many, smaller awarenesses. If the awareness we associate with dominance literally blinds itself to its own awareness, it weakens. Now this is where things get interesting. Those qualities dismissed from self appear in other. In most forms this manifests as irritation, hatred and projection. In severe forms it manifests as hallucinatory and threatening figures or voices.
Projection is the phenomenon of seeing these rejected qualities, projected upon others. A hatred towards a particular type means that upon meeting anybody who qualifies as this type we see not the unique individual, but a set of hateful speculations we take as truth. The Alchemist learns to foster curiosity towards anything that upsets them, for here they are learning about their Shadow.
The Shadow is neither Evil nor really a being. However, with severe cases of projection, it distorts reality even more. These rejected qualities almost become living and can torment the suffering individual.
The Shadow is tackled by remembering that any definition of self can only ever really come from within and labels are useless. One recognises that within the scope of experience, both self and other, the most holy and most wicked dwell within. Any attempt to grade oneself according to other is simply narcissistic delusion and pointless. Only when one recognises that it is only ourselves that are both the most holy and most wicked.
Our journey begins by going inwards and down. The Alchemist recognises they are in the Hellish reality of thought, but recognising the illusion of conditionality begins to rattle their chains. These chains are normally invisible as we chase goals and flee problems. But once, with curiosity, the alchemist turns towards what irritates or distresses with a question of why, they feel, for the first time the chains of conditionality.
By embracing and accepting one’s shameful faults, we cease to empower the Shadow. Gradually we turn inwards and challenge our prejudices, starting off big but getting ever smaller. Recognising both darkness and light come from within, and are projected onto reality, we cease reacting to both imaginary and real conflicts.
This process will be easier to understand once one has a basic understanding of karma. Through persistence the alchemist transforms habits that are selfish and as they clear, their Shadow, become less reactive towards any conflict. The darkness of the stone, Nigredo is lightening, and this paves the way for the second stage, Albedo.
Still, we have some way to go, for this in itself is significant work. It can often take until middle age to iron out some of the harsher tendencies we thought were normal, and one might often be troubled with symptomatic mental illness. It’s hardly reassuring, but maybe a little reassuring to recognise this as a process.
The preparation that the alchemist undertakes is an attempt to return to the simpler awareness of childhood. In order to do this, they track back and deeper through their developed personality and slowly strip off the labels they have acquired.
The concept of lost child embodies both the principles of projection and the Shadow, and also the Fisher-King Wound. This lost child is a part of us that we reject when we take on the mantle of adulthood. For some, acting like an adult occurs very early as it arises commonly through a betrayal of trust — one grows up when one can no longer depend on another for wholesome development.
Generally these concepts are pretty complex, yet, as the alchemist develops deeper insights they become less significant. If you are suffering depression, despair or some of the more severe mental illnesses then this suggests closer attention is needed. However, it does seem to be a process, so if you are struggling the most powerful thing to remember is that it is probably temporary and hopelessness and despair are symptoms rather than a true evaluation of things.
Embracing the Shadow or lost child seems to be a metaphorical tool that we use to explain the mess of experience, yet, it is not uncommon for one to have very meaningful dreams or experiences when one is working in this area. I hope that covered enough to illustrate the importance of this stage. Success is very unlikely until one learns to recognise and master one’s own projections based on fear, greed or ignorance.
This text is excerpted from the book Nigredo: A Course in Modern Alchemy. The complete book includes additional study guides, resources, and appendices. View the full book here.